[personal profile] msbelle
Update for the last 4-5 days (Jan 14 - 18)

I stopped tracking food intake due to a trip. I knew I would be eating out a lot and I also did not have my computer.

The good news is I do not think I went wildly off course. I know I ate over 1200 a day, but I doubt I hit 3000 or anything. At least not every day. Also good news is that I walked a lot more than in my normal days, so the increased calorie intake was counter-balanced to some degree.

I watched almost no tv (for me) and what I did watch was stuff I cannot get at home. HGTV, HBO, and The Critic's Choice awards. I saw one more Oscar contender movie, Carol. So the Oscar list continues to get shorter. I also read. Finished a book, continued in another, and started another. The only thing unfortunate in this reading is that none of it was done in physical books that then would also lead to de-cluttering.

The place I stayed on the trip has virtually no clutter. Surfaces are clear and there is very little stuff around. It is not my style, but I came home re-doubled in intention to get things out of my house. I do see it as a good start that I have stuff to get rid of gathered in piles, but it really needs to be gone. The stuff listed on etsy that is already packed in boxes I need to move to a table in the garage and not have it cluttering my living room. I also need to have a plan for what to do with that stuff (all vintage things) if they don't sell on etsy. I do not need to keep that store up forever.

as a reminder to myself, these were my goals to work on:

- Pay attention to what I am consuming (food by tracking water and calories for a start; media by limiting time on fb/tumblr/twitter and increasing movies/books; stuff by buying better things and fewer of them)
- Speak less, smile more
- Be present
- Have some new experiences
- Recognize what brings joy and spend energy toward that
- Look for what I want
- Hug more people more often

I only bought 1 thing on the trip, a shirt. So now to get rid of at least one shirt.

I was off tumbler and twitter almost the whole time I was gone. ALso online just less in general as I was out and actually doing things.

New experiences - Went to a museum I had never been to before, New York Historical Society, and ate at a Michelin starred restaurant (don't think I have done that before). Also went to The Brooklyn Academy of Music for the first time.

I hugged a lot of people.

So I think moving in the right direction. I am pretty sure I need to get back on some meds for anxiety, am waking up in anxiety attacks a bit now and that is a no good very bad way to start the day. I also started reading The Mindful Way Through Depression and the descriptions of low-level depression and anxiety are a picture of me, so there's that.

More than 1 person this long weekend asked me about dating and relationships. The concept is almost foreign to me at this point, but I cannot deny that the idea of having a relationship with someone would be nice. Meeting people is the problem, in that I do not like doing it except through other people. It would mean new activities, lots of energy and effort, not sure now is the right time. Not sure I will ever think it is the right time.

The trip cemented that I still love New York City. love it. It makes me happy just to be there. In less than a year I will have no family there and no hold on it in the same way. Visiting does not bring me joy in the same way that living there does, but I think that if I stay at apartments rather than hotels when I visit in the future it will help a bit.

There is a lot in my head spinning around about the future. It is all trying to take hold and occupy all of my brainspace with what ifs? and hows? and what is ther right decisions? All about things years down the road with too many variable to accurately contemplate now. I am trying to shove all that down and be present. Hoping that naming it here and dumping it out will exorcise it from my mental space. The energy it takes up is too much. I need to look at what can I do today to lessen right here right now anxiety and pressure. What things can I do so that I have time and space to do things I WANT to do, that I enjoy and that will bring me joy or serve in some capacity as self-care.

tonight family therapy and then a massage and then I aim to cook some dinner, and clean up one area of the house (a small undetermined area - maybe Christmas tree (only needs to be put in box and taken to garage) or sink area (a few dishes to wash and others to put away) and then only after those things are done, watch some tv off tivo, then read and bed by 9:30.
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August 2016


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