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I had to go to a work meeting today. I didn't want to and I don't like being at work things outside of work, but I had to. I'm listening to Hunger by Roxanne Gay on audiobook and as I was thinking about what to wear, I was thinking about when she talks about our clothes as armor. Certain things make people look at us and certain things make us feel power and certain things make us invisible. Weekends are when I can wear dresses and more feminine things than I wear to work in a dirty, industrial, male dominated workplace where I do not want to be seen as anything sexual by people who would tend to do that.

So today, weekend, but also work.

I wore my Blue Q "Bitches Get Stuff Done" socks, a gift from a borg secret gift exchange because they make me smile and feel like Hell Yes I can Do Stuff. And it got me thinking how I would wear the hell out of underwear with supportive messages on them.

I'm Awesome!

You Can Do IT!

Fuck You! That's Why!

FIGHT ME!

I'm not a person who seeks validation, it doesn't motivate me, and I generally don't feel much of anything when people give it, except that recently it seems to really have an effect on me. I am recognizing that I have been heading down into a deeper and deeper hole of little self-belief and confidence.

I think about how a woman cheering herself on privately is a deeply subversive act in our culture/society.

I would never want to wear a t-shirt with those things on it. That would invite comments, judgement, opinions. It would be seen as being for others, when really I only wear things for myself.

So there I am getting dressed and building in my head a whole business plan of comfortable, full-coverage, tummy control (because I am still vain) underwear with encouraging, sassy, confrontational message meant only to and for the women wearing them.

Underwear is the perfect place for them, just like the socks.

How old are you?
48, just.

Tattoos?
eyeliner and eyebrows.

Ever hit a deer?
no.

Ridden in an ambulance?
yes - about a block from first year dorm to hospital at end of the block. was food poisoning not helped by alcohol that they labeled alcohol poisoning and I couldn't send to my parent's insurance because of it and had to scrounge to pay. grr

Sang karaoke?
yes.

Ice skated?
several times, not well. very weak ankles that just bow out.

Ridden a motorcycle?
maybe once on the back in a parking lot. never driven on more than a moped.

Stayed in hospital?
Not as a patient, but overnight with child after leg/foot surgery.

Skipped school?
On approved senior skip day. Skipped individual classes a few times in HS and all the time in college.

Last phone call?
Work - a hotel to book a meeting.
Personal - probably the child's school.

Last text from?
The child.

Watched someone die?
My grandmother.

Pepsi or Coke?
Water.

Favourite pie?
Coconut cream or Buttermilk.

Favourite pizza?
Thin crust, pesto, chunks of mozz, roasted veggies and garlic cloves, maybe globs of ricotta? It's a slice I used to get in Brooklyn in a neighborhood I only live in for 6months, but it was SOOOO good.

Favourite season?
Autumn in NY, Spring in Texas

Broken bones?
none

Received a ticket?
several

Favorite color?
PINK!

Sunset or sunrise?
sunset.

I suggested to some borgers that we should all make some posts here, so I thought should get after it.

I don't do resolutions, but I was hoping to read more this year and so far that is off to a good start. 2 books read and 1 audiobook finished this far. Currently reading one and listening to one. Part of this effort is to get through my 2 full TBR shelves.

Audiobooks are new for me and I have as of last night added eAudiobooks to my new accomplishments. If you are on Goodreads to can see what I've read there.

Other media consumption - movies, I am tracking on letterboxd, so let me know if you are on there. I am RLBOSTON14 there.

I am not really watching much tv. summer is much better for binging shows, I think. I still have a long list (look a few posts back, although that could use some updating).

Current Mood: blah

I wanted to get down a list that I will add to and update of shows I wanna watch that are Seasons (at least partial) available on. I am cableless, so I have a backlog.

Breaking Bad - pick up - I stopped at S2 Ep 6
Mad Men - pick up - I stopped at S1 Ep 5
The Get Down
Penny Dreadful - pick up - I stopped I think at S1 Ep 6
OITNB - update - up to S3 Ep 4
X-files - never watched all of the original series - up to S1 Ep 11
The Killing
~~Daredevil - have all of S2 to watch~~
Sense8 - pick up - I stopped at Ep 3
Nurse Jackie - pick up - I stopped at S3 Ep 3
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - pick up - I stopped at S1 Ep 9
Peaky Blinders
Longmire
House of Cards
Chuck
Justified
Sons of Anarchy
Walking Dead - update - I stopped after S7
Mr. Robot - update - finished S1
Friday Night Lights - pick up - I stopped at S3 Ep 3
Dexter - pick up - I stopped at S3 Ep 7
Eureka - never watched the final season
Master of None
Torchwood
Dr Who - I've seen none of the Capaldi
Jane the Virgin
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - update - started this
Drop Dead Diva - update - finished S1
Weeds
The Following
Damages
Salem
Orphan Black - pick up - I only saw S1
Teen Wolf - update - I have the second half of S6 to watch
Call the Midwife - only watched 1 ep
Miss Fisher's - only watched 1 ep
Downton Abbey - watched pieces of I think 2 eps, need to watch it all
Being Human - updated - started S1
Grace & Frankie - only watched 1 ep
The Great British Baking Show - update - watched all on Netflix
Luther - update finished all out there, waiting new season
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce
Derek
The Man in High Castle
Suits - update into S3
The Wire - update watched through S2
Mozart in the Jungle
Hannibal - pick up - I stopped at S2 Ep 12
Homeland
Ray Donovan
Parenthood - pick up - I stopped somewhere in S3, I think
Outlander - updated watched S2
Burn Notice
Queen Sugar
Insecure
Underground
Claws
Luke Cage - update, started
Iron Fist
Defenders
Black Mirror - watched 2 eps
Ozark
Narcos
~~The Good Place~~

This post was originally from 2016, edited since then. Most recent edit 1/25/2019. I have more shows to add now - it never ends.

reminder:

- Pay attention to what I am consuming (food by tracking water and calories for a start; media by limiting time on fb/tumblr/twitter and increasing movies/books; stuff by buying better things and fewer of them)
- Speak less, smile more
- Be present
- Have some new experiences
- Recognize what brings joy and spend energy toward that
- Look for what I want
- Hug more people more often

last post here was 2-10 and the group I made on FB to try and help with eating/weight stuff has been mostly ignored by me also. forging ahead....

- food tracking fell off.
- water intake did also.
- media limiting has been better aside from FB which never really decreases unless I read for a night.
- an international trip helped me keep up the movie watching. Nothing currently out grabs me like the nominees did, so I am looking to get some TV binging out of the way.
- did not read like I thought I would on vacation, so slow going on the current book.
- buying is way down aside from media and food.
- I think I have been doing better with the speak less bit. Not sure about smiling more.
- REALLY worked on this on vacation. I think I am gettig better.
- Vacation was somewhere I had been before, but I resisted urges to re-live that vacation. Went to 2 new sites altogether. Had tours at two sites that I had previously visited solo with no guide, so those experiences were completely different. Only ate at one of the same restaurants as last visit.
- listening to music more often re:joy. Also cleaning out, but differently than I normally do, more thought going into it and working more on less accumulation so to decrease constant clearing.
- still not sure what I want
- I hugged people on vacation. need to see friends more.

So I am still mindful of these things, not always on with practicing them, but I have not fallen off completely. Vacation was good in many ways. The apartment we stayed in was small and sparcely filled. I loved it and it made me realize how drastically I need to shift my relationship with stuff. I need a lot less and I can make a huge shift in that direction before my next move 4-5 years. Rather than bags of stuff to get rid of, I look at my house now and see rooms full to get rid of. Entire cabinets that could go. A bedroom suite, chairs, a desk, half my dishes/cooking things, a table, entertainment unit, half or more of the knick-knacks, all my yarn, half my fabric, half the linens. on and on.

I was off tv completely on vacationa dn did not supplant with reading which I found odd. I guess the increased activity just wore me out sufficiently that I did very little winding down. Being around 3 family members all day every day is a lot, even when you are not talking to each other the whole time. Navigation was left up to me which is great as a control freak, but frustrating when they are not good with letting go. One played the equivelent of backseat driver as we were in transit, second guessing/making suggestions - refused to listen beforehand and look over things with me BEFORE we headed out. Another refused to follow, was constantly getting in front of group with no idea where we were headed most of the time. No one got killed though, so all good.

Came back to a pile of work and virtually no interest in doing it aside from not wanting to be way behind. This work stuff is getting old. 20-30 more years of this? uuugh. a partner is looking better all the time. I would like some help.

I am trying to cook more. Finding recipes helps.

Brother cooked this when home once this last year and left the ouzo with me, so I finally made it again. I put red onion in instead of fennel because I don't much like fennel and I have red onion. As the site says this is a modified recipe, there are lots of almost the same variations on the web.

http://somethingnewfordinner.com/recipe/roast-chicken-with-pixies-fennel-and-ouzo/

A couple of weeks ago I bought a bunch of vegetables and made this, which I really enjoyed. without the croutons with beets instead of parsnips and a regular potato instead of sweet potato (only because that is what I had, normally I would always go sweet potato)

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/roasted-vegetable-soup-recipe2.html

Then also made this which was super yum and I am making again;

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/roasted-beet-salad-with-beet-greens-and-feta-3188

Last post was 1-19, so clearly not doing great on posting every day or every other day or every few days.

as a reminder to myself, these were my goals to work on:

- Pay attention to what I am consuming (food by tracking water and calories for a start; media by limiting time on fb/tumblr/twitter and increasing movies/books; stuff by buying better things and fewer of them)
- Speak less, smile more
- Be present
- Have some new experiences
- Recognize what brings joy and spend energy toward that
- Look for what I want
- Hug more people more often

ok for the last 22 days:

- on calories, I have tracked most days, have met goal a little more than half of the days
- water - not making goal on most days
- media - tumbler has disappeared from my viewing; twitter has shifted to almost 100% read only, but I think it adds to the anxiousness; fb no change. Movies - got more Oscar movies checked off and I like movies that stay with me, so that's good. Reading has been slow, but I am reading.
- stuff - haven't bought anything other than consumables. semi-big expenditure fixing thing on house, needed and a big check off the long house checklist - so GOOD
- I think I am speaking less, noticable holding tongue with the child, also really trying to at work.
- Smiling more is not happening daily, but a couple of social outtings were smile filled.
- Being present - well therapist says I am extremely self-aware and good at re-focusing when a spiral starts, so i think I am getting better and staying right here right now. enjoying the moment is not yet happening.
- New Experiences - went to museum I have not been to, an area of Dallas and restaurant I had never been to, met a couple of new people.
- joy - well a struggle, as day to day just seems to take over and then days are gone. A few things I am doing that I think are working. Taking care of kitchen daily - food up, dishes (mostly) done - I have been able to keep the kitchen from getting out of control for a month or so and it does make me happier. Bring lunch (this far more than half the days) - spend less, eat better. Cook - I have actually made like a couple of recipe things, but even cooking up frozen TJ dishes, not just meals makes me feel better. Seeing the movies, especially out made me really happy. I hope therapy will start to help with this more.
- I do not know what I want short-term, so looking for it is hard. I look at real-estate in other places, but that is 4 years away at leaast and is also a bit of "everything will be better when I can just leave here" which of course is not true.
- sadly lacking in hugs.

I did get back on anxiety meds over a week ago. half the dosage I was on before. Not noticing a big difference, but things are lessened.

Old man diabetic cat died and that was sad and hard, but really his time. One less animal is quite a bit of a load lifted, expecially when he was the messy one and required twice daily shots, and the one who no one else could care for, and the one who had to be limited to 2 rooms in the house. He was also the one who loved on me most, so good with bad. Miss him, but also exhaled.

Lent is conveniently here, right when I am examining how these goals are going. Can I take these 40 days to re-focus on one or more of these items? I think so. In addition, therapist is giving me homework at sessions. This week

- take care of one thing in house (somethign taking up brain space bugging me)
- do something social

I put away the Christmas tree last night which was a house thing, but she said it should be more than that. So that is a half a house thing.

I think for Lent I would like to add one thing and remove one thing. Like stop one unliked habit and add in one I want. The bigger on-going goals stay and get worked on, but these will be a focus.

Tentatively I am thinking:

- Giving up buying Breakfast sandwiches out. This would be a double gain, because buying at the grocery store is cheaper and fewer calories.
- Adding in water. It is free and should be so easy, but I struggle! 50 oz a day minimum, I think I can do that.

Update for the last 4-5 days (Jan 14 - 18)

I stopped tracking food intake due to a trip. I knew I would be eating out a lot and I also did not have my computer.

The good news is I do not think I went wildly off course. I know I ate over 1200 a day, but I doubt I hit 3000 or anything. At least not every day. Also good news is that I walked a lot more than in my normal days, so the increased calorie intake was counter-balanced to some degree.

I watched almost no tv (for me) and what I did watch was stuff I cannot get at home. HGTV, HBO, and The Critic's Choice awards. I saw one more Oscar contender movie, Carol. So the Oscar list continues to get shorter. I also read. Finished a book, continued in another, and started another. The only thing unfortunate in this reading is that none of it was done in physical books that then would also lead to de-cluttering.

The place I stayed on the trip has virtually no clutter. Surfaces are clear and there is very little stuff around. It is not my style, but I came home re-doubled in intention to get things out of my house. I do see it as a good start that I have stuff to get rid of gathered in piles, but it really needs to be gone. The stuff listed on etsy that is already packed in boxes I need to move to a table in the garage and not have it cluttering my living room. I also need to have a plan for what to do with that stuff (all vintage things) if they don't sell on etsy. I do not need to keep that store up forever.

as a reminder to myself, these were my goals to work on:

- Pay attention to what I am consuming (food by tracking water and calories for a start; media by limiting time on fb/tumblr/twitter and increasing movies/books; stuff by buying better things and fewer of them)
- Speak less, smile more
- Be present
- Have some new experiences
- Recognize what brings joy and spend energy toward that
- Look for what I want
- Hug more people more often

I only bought 1 thing on the trip, a shirt. So now to get rid of at least one shirt.

I was off tumbler and twitter almost the whole time I was gone. ALso online just less in general as I was out and actually doing things.

New experiences - Went to a museum I had never been to before, New York Historical Society, and ate at a Michelin starred restaurant (don't think I have done that before). Also went to The Brooklyn Academy of Music for the first time.

I hugged a lot of people.

So I think moving in the right direction. I am pretty sure I need to get back on some meds for anxiety, am waking up in anxiety attacks a bit now and that is a no good very bad way to start the day. I also started reading The Mindful Way Through Depression and the descriptions of low-level depression and anxiety are a picture of me, so there's that.

More than 1 person this long weekend asked me about dating and relationships. The concept is almost foreign to me at this point, but I cannot deny that the idea of having a relationship with someone would be nice. Meeting people is the problem, in that I do not like doing it except through other people. It would mean new activities, lots of energy and effort, not sure now is the right time. Not sure I will ever think it is the right time.

The trip cemented that I still love New York City. love it. It makes me happy just to be there. In less than a year I will have no family there and no hold on it in the same way. Visiting does not bring me joy in the same way that living there does, but I think that if I stay at apartments rather than hotels when I visit in the future it will help a bit.

There is a lot in my head spinning around about the future. It is all trying to take hold and occupy all of my brainspace with what ifs? and hows? and what is ther right decisions? All about things years down the road with too many variable to accurately contemplate now. I am trying to shove all that down and be present. Hoping that naming it here and dumping it out will exorcise it from my mental space. The energy it takes up is too much. I need to look at what can I do today to lessen right here right now anxiety and pressure. What things can I do so that I have time and space to do things I WANT to do, that I enjoy and that will bring me joy or serve in some capacity as self-care.

tonight family therapy and then a massage and then I aim to cook some dinner, and clean up one area of the house (a small undetermined area - maybe Christmas tree (only needs to be put in box and taken to garage) or sink area (a few dishes to wash and others to put away) and then only after those things are done, watch some tv off tivo, then read and bed by 9:30.

Off program

Ate out and went over calories, but I still logged it and that kept me from going even worse off the rails.

I watched a movie Sunday, part of the Oscar watch goal of seeing as many nominated films as possible before the awards.

I am getting the house clean before a trip, it might generate getting rid of things. Nothing yet.

Bowie man. I still just can't. Gut punch.

Mid January is becoming a nightmare which sucks because it't my birthday and I really usually love it.

Tv watching was all Golden Globes on Sunday. They were awful. Really bad. Disappointing because I really do love an award show.

Not meeting water goal and I have not read.

Basically two off days and time to get back in gear!

- tracked food - stayed at or very near calorie goal - ok on water, staying around 50 oz, so will try to increase over next few days
- still no tv except for some Outlander re-watch
- read today
- shopped today also, but I don't think I overbought (1 dress, 1 top, 2 fleeces, 1 pair slippers, 2 pair tights, 1 pair leggings) - also pulled 2 things out of closet to get rid of (1 dress, 1 top)
- I cooked! (things I enjoy, also not letting the moody child in the house destroy my mood)

That's about it. bed.

Really hungry (for all measures of really hungry where I will still have 3 meals today and snacks)for the first time this week

Child annoying me

And while I did get a chunk of work done today, not nearly what I wanted to get through.

So that sets the stage.

- Still tracked food
- I was online off and on all day long. not posting a ton, but reading a ton - no bueno.
- forgot about drinking water at work and so am a bit behind yesterday. should get to at least 50 oz.
- I've been making some immediate plans and the 5K plans (because entry fees go up), but I have not been planning out trips for the rest of the year or even obsessing about Italy in March - Part of trying to be present, rather than focus on what is next which I think will be better.
- no tv last night, none tonight. listened to music at work today. - consumption

tracked eating again, made calorie goal again and I cooked dinner!

drank more water - I'll be over 60 oz by bed

EXERCISED!! I had hoped to make it to yoga this week, but was feeling aerobic tonight so I did dance fitness videos. 4 songs, so maybe 15 minutes about with cool down. not earth shattering, but good.

I finished Charlie & The Chocolate Factory last night only to discover that I had it already marked as read on Goodreads. I do not remember reading it AT ALL. Anyway, done, read, in the resell pile.

I stayed offline almost all day at work today, really plowed through some stuff.

I've been doing better about staying on top of dishes and picking up stuff in my room also. To really get things feeling clean in the house though I will have to get rid of more. I know this.

still no one to hug. I actually tried to get together with a friend tonight for yoga, but she bailed.

I signed up for a 5K last night, late Feb. I will do at least 6 this year, probably most with my mom, but I might try to do one before that if I can find a fun one.

I have one in April set also, just not signed up yet.

tracked eating again - met calorie goal (went to grocery store on way to work in order to get breakfast and lunch that would not blow it)
got signed up for a 5K in Feb
THERAPY (wherein we turned a bad mood kid into a good mood kid)
cooked food for tomorrow to STAY ON PLAN!
stayed offline at work for at least until noon.

water is a challenge for me, I am not sure why, but it is. I go whole days with no water. coffee? tea? sure, but zero water.

Today I've had maybe 25 oz. I should be minimally over 70. need to focus.

work was a bear, but I plodded through.

plans to exercise died once I sat down.

last night I did NOT read book, just more fic.

Tonight I read BOOK.

- I logged food on fitbit again AND MADE CALORIE GOAL! SUCK IT!
- I stayed offline at work until 2pm which was dearly needed as there were way too many mistakes by others that I had to fix for month end close. (shit I just had a panic, I had not left my work phone out and close is not officially closed yet. We are not supposed to leave until it is, but I bring my laptop home with me. WHEW, no corrections sent to me as of yet.)
- the child did not do his chores. I am not going to start an argument. Day 1 back to school and he clearly came home logged on and did nothing else. Therapy will be the venue. AT least he is being semi-human (too much time only online though and that will cease, his mood deteriorates.)

I am not sure I did a great job at monitoring my consumption re: media while on FB. Things enrage me and I may need to block some people.

No hugging. no one at work to hug. child has not engaged aside from 2 sentences about food.

It was a hard day to focus, ita's birthday and work being hectic, it too a lot for me not to cry and/or yell, so giving myself kudos and a break.

I did read some fanfic, not really what I meant by reading more, but it is reading. I'll come close to finishing the kid's book I am reading at night, tonight.

I see I made no posts in 2015. LJ is not a primary for me, clearly, but 2015 was not good.

I don't make resolutions, but I believe strongly in goals; things to focus on, work toward, be mindful of. Here are some for 2016:

- Pay attention to what I am consuming (food by tracking water and calories for a start; media by limiting time on fb/tumblr/twitter and increasing movies/books; stuff by buying better things and fewer of them)
- Speak less, smile more
- Be present
- Have some new experiences
- Recognize what brings joy and spend energy toward that
- Look for what I want
- Hug more people more often

That might be all, I might add to it. I will try to post here for myself. Not even sure how many people I know use LJ.

- logged onto fitbit and logged food and water thus far for the day (way over calorie goal, but knowledge is power)
- logged off fb, I never do that. I did not even log on to twitter or tumblr today.

That's all for now.

I do not like new Ruby.

Castiel … well I know virtually nothing about the character, but know fans love Misha, so I am assuming the character is a fan fav also.

Only on Ep2 at this point.

ohohoh do not like Ep3 - go back in time and everyone dies no no no.

ep4 was a downer. demon blood makes Dean an other and a depressed other at that. Wants so hard to be good and prove that whatever is in him, he is good.

huh, B&W, really? Agents Angus and Young. nice.
This B&W ep feels like the longest ep ever. soooo slow.

ep6 - scared Dean is veryfunny.

Season 3 is ehh for more thus far. I am intrigued by Bella and Rose or Ruth or whatever her name is demon for good lady.

Laughed out loud with Sam having the sexy dream of Bella. I totally assume that Dean and her get together at some point. Loved when she suggested angry sex in the ghost ship ep.

I am in the Groundhog Day ep right now, so about halfway through the season. I really thought each ep this season would be demons from the Hell Gate opening, but it seems that as many eps as not are non-demons. And no Daddy Winchester which is a serious bummer.

OK, I'm up to S2E13 and no. no possessing Sam. no.

I don;t actually feel anything strong for either Sam or Dean, but still NO!. do not like no no no.

Shapeshifter Dean did not bother me this much.

ok back a bit. Finale S1. Holy Cow, that is a way to end a Season. Were the ratings good enough that there was no doubt they would be back for a second season? cause everyone possibly dead is a hell of a cliffhanger for a season 1.

I had seen S2E1 at some point, I think it may be the only full episode I had seen before. I think I may have seen part of S2E2 before also. Nt sure why I did not stick with it then, didn't grab me I guess without the backstory of all off S1.

JO - so I initially thought the tension with her mom (Ellen) and the boys was gonna be because John was Jo's dad. Then the reveal of John causing her dad's death. Not sure if I buy that being all of it still. I mean, they have not had Dean bed Jo yet, so it could still be more.

I do like Jo and her mom and Bobby as secondary characters.

ok this next episode - the he said/he said play of it - SO GOOD.

Dean with mouth full of cookies is BRILLIANT!!

Before this was halfway over I was screaming CHAOS DEMON in my head.

do not put your hand in a sink full of nasty odd appearing dark water!!

omg, is it the water itself? Evil Water? seriously, how do you fight that?

oh bad car scenery effects.

ep 4 - Dean scared of flying is good times.

ep 5 - bloody mary - interesting.

ep 6 - OH! evil Dean. this could be fun. Yep yep yep - This one I think was the best one yet. good character development. good use of the shape shifter to give us insight into Dean's broken little boy brain.

ep 7 - huh - the making out teens get targeted by slasher trope. mmmmm, questioning this. - ok turned not as bad as I thought for I know what you did last summer.

That's it for today.

Agent names.

ok - I did not pay attention in the earlier eps. Is this going to be an on-going gag?

He just used Agents Ford and Hammil, so Star Wars shout out.

And there are going to be a million familiar faces as guest stars right. I am bad with actor faces but so far:

Cory Monteith and Amy Acker.

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